James Weir recaps Bachelor In Paradise 2020 episode 1

Bachelor In Paradise returns on Wednesday night and instantly satisfies our wanderlust pangs as a troupe of sweaty singles catch Jetstar flights to a Fijian island and spend their days sipping frozen daiquiris while plotting how best to have sex in twin-share huts.That is not a dilemma ever explored by Catriona Rowntree on Getaway. Maybe some kind of roster system can be established. Osher can be the admin on a shared Google doc.
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
LISTEN TO THE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS PODCAST BELOW
One-by-one, we watch the arrivals on the island and it’s like a roll call of everyone you’ve ever rejected on Tinder.
They’re all here. Timm (sic). Helena – the girl who tried to dump last year’s bachelor Matt several times in a cul-de-sac before begrudgingly staying in the game. Britt – who was one of the two girls dumped by the Honey Badger at his finale.
And of course, Abbie. Abbie’s greatest hits include grinding Matt on a beach while wearing a thong-back bikini as small children in floaties screamed in terror nearby. This was followed by a declaration of horniness on national television. What’s new with our girl Abigail?
“I’m really horny and I wanna have sex,” she asserts immediately after checking in at hotel reception.
She’s come for one man: Ciarran – the British guy who was permanently naked on Angie’s season of The Bachelorette and who arrives naked on the island tonight.
“He’s hot. He’s English. I’ve been commenting on his photos but there’s been no replies yet,” she tells us.
She’s only encouraged by his silence. But her chase is postponed as more weirdos arrive.
“It’s Brittney b*tch!” this dame yells and we can safely assume this is how she has entered every room since Britney Spears released that song in 2007.
Turning up the intensity, Jamie – the clinger from Angie’s series – rolls up.
He swears he’s no longer a clinger. He insists he has learnt the error of his ways. He promises he will not be needy this time.
Upon entering, Timm gives him a polite greeting and suddenly Jamie has a new subject to cling onto to.
“Timm is my best friend,” he beams.
We have established that Abbie is clearly a clinger when it comes to Ciarran – she just won’t admit it. What we describe as clingy, she describes as determined. Passionate, even. This is what clingers do. Abbie is so blind to her clingy ways she starts judging Jamie for being a clinger. Obviously, on a subconscious level, she’s judging herself.
“I see Jamie and he’s intense. It makes me a bit uncomfortable. Ick,” she squirms.
When Ciarran starts flirting with some chick called Cass, Abbie’s clinger rating goes off the charts.
“She needs to stay away from my man,” she seethes, quoting a proverb from the clinger rule book.
Thankfully, our narrator for this series is Mary. She provides endless amounts of catty commentary about the bozos she’s surrounded by.
Timm scores a date card and gets to take two ladies away. He picks Britt and Brittney. Brittney uses it as an opportunity to exhibit her crackling first date banter.
“Call the rose ceremony because Brittney’s getting a rose yaaaassssss!” she screams.
“Ooooh it’s the Brittney-off. Britney one more time? Or two more times – since we’re all the same name? Let’s be real, two more times, oooooh!” she continues, while gyrating.
The rest of the Bachelor camp is forced to have dinner together where they get to ask anonymous questions of each other. The line of questioning is just really thoughtful and considered and really helps put on show the rich souls surrounding the table.
“With me, it would be quite regular and quite often,” Ciarran offers when asked how frequently he likes sex. “Morning, wake up, bang. Afternoon when you get home from work. And before you go to bed.”
Then this guy who we’ve literally never seen before jumps at the chance to interrupt and offer his thoughts on sex
“Make up sex is probably the best thing on earth. Like, when you fight and then have sex,” he grins.
This is perhaps the most confronting moment of the night. Like, who even are you? It’s like if my accountant told me about the weird sex position he learnt from Urban Dictionary.
Ciarran’s then asked about his ex-girlfriend, who was coincidentally a contestant on another series of The Bachelor (seriously, this world is just incestuous). Anyway, everyone wants to know why they ended. And he shares his amazing tip for how to break up with someone.
“I f**ked up. I went away to a wedding and ended up cheating on her,” he begins. “I told her. At the time, I didn’t want to be in that relationship anymore but it wasn’t ending. So I thought, ‘If I do this, it’ll end’. And it still didn’t. So I had to end it. And then that was.”
Well, that’s all very understandable. No one likes being the bad guy. And it’s just great to hear Ciarran was open to exploring alternative ways to break up with her that don’t involve having an uncomfortable conversation. It didn’t work for him but it might work for you: Just keep doing terrible things to your partner until they can’t stand it anymore.
Weirdly, his ex-girlfriend’s best friend is Cass. At first she grills Ciarran for what he did and stands up for the sisterhood. But the sisterhood is for losers and she ends up in a straw bure with him.
Of course, Abbie is furious. She has been dreaming of getting hot and heavy with Ciarran in a straw bure – their bodies sticking together with sweat and spilt frozen daiquiris.
She seeks out Jamie to talk, clinger to clinger.
All clingers know, your clingee might slip from your grip, but that’s just a sign to work harder. Next time they’re in your grasp, hold them tighter.
She lures Ciarran to her twin-share villa. Brittney is pretending to sleep in her single bed and she sees it all go down.
“Ciarran was in Abbie’s bed – if you know what I mean,” she snitches.
“He was with me all night – you know what I mean?” Abbie offers the following day with a coy smirk.
YES. WE KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN. But also, we really kinda don’t. Did you guys have sex or not?
“He’s such a naughty boy. He’s just so clearly a naughty boy. He’s mine now,” she giggles.
Honestly, Jetstar flights should remain grounded for eternity.
Twitter, Facebook, Instagram: @hellojamesweir